The classic mistake. Never marry potential. The golden rule is, if you can't be happy with the person the way he or she is now, don't get married. As a colleague of mine so wisely put it, "You actually can expect people to change after they're married... for the worse!" So when it comes to the other person's spirituality, character, personal hygiene, communication skills, and personal habits, make sure you can live with these as they are now.
2. You pick the wrong person because you focus more on chemistry than on character.
Chemistry ignites the fire, but good character keeps it burning. Beware of the "I'm in love" syndrome. "I'm in love" often means, "I'm in lust." Attraction is there, but have you carefully checked out this person's character?
Here are four character traits to definitely check for:
A. Humility: Does this person believe that "doing the right thing" is more important than personal comfort? Do I want to be more like this person? Would I like my child to turn out like him or her?
B. Kindness: Does this person enjoy giving pleasure to other people? How does she/he treat people she/he doesn't have to be nice to? Does she/he do volunteer work? Give charity?
C. Responsibility: Can I depend on this person to do what she/he says she/he's going to do?
D. Happiness: Does this person like herself/ himself? Does she/he enjoy life? Is she/he emotionally stable?
Ask yourself: Do I want to be more like this person? Do I want to have a child with this person? Would I like my child to turn out like him or her?
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| A Must Read - How Do We End Up Marrying The Wrong Person! |
- Men and women have unique emotional needs, and more often than not, it is the man who just doesn't "get it." Jewish tradition places the onus on the man to understand the emotional needs of a woman and to satisfy them.
- The unique need of a woman is to be loved -- To feel that she is the most important person in her husband's life. The husband needs to give her consistent, quality attention.
- Men are goal-oriented, especially when it comes this area. As a wise woman once pointed out, "Men have two speeds: on and off." Women are experience-oriented. When a man is able to switch gears and become more experience-oriented, he will discover what makes his wife very happy.
- When the man forgets about his own needs and focuses on giving his wife pleasure, amazing things happen as a result a happy marriege life is a guarantee.
4. You choose the wrong person because you do not share a common life goals and priorities.
There are three basic ways we connect with another person:
A. Chemistry and compatibility.
B. Share common interests.
C. Share common life goal.
- Make sure you share the deeper level of connection that sharing life goals provide. After marriage, the two of you will either grow together or grow apart.
- To avoid growing apart, you must figure out what you're "living for," while you're single -- and then find someone who has come to the same conclusion as you.
- This is the true definition of a "soul mate." A soul mate is a goal mate -- two people who ultimately share the same understanding of life's purpose and therefore share the same priorities, values and goals.
5. You choose the wrong person because you get intimately involved too quickly.
- Intimacy before the commitment of marriage can be a big problem because it often precludes a fully honest exploration of important issues.
- Physical involvement tends to cloud one's mind. And a clouded mind is not inclined to make good decisions.
- It is not necessary to take a "test drive" in order to find out if a couple is physically compatible. If you do your homework and make sure you are intellectually and emotionally compatible, you don't have to worry about it.
- Of all the studies done on divorce, incompatibility in the intimate arena is almost never cited as a main reason why people divorce.
6. You pick the wrong person because you do not have a deeper emotional connection with this person.
- To evaluate whether you have a deeper emotional connection or not, ask: "Do I respect and admire this person?"
- This does not mean, "Am I impressed by this person?" We are impressed by a she/he drives.
- We do not respect someone because they own a Mercedes-Benz or BMW. You should be impressed by qualities of creativity, loyalty, determination, etc.
- Also ask: "Do I trust this person?" This also means, "Is he/she emotionally stable? Do I feel I can rely on him/her?
7. You pick the wrong person because you choose someone with whom you don't feel emotionally safe.
Ask yourself the following questions:
A. Do I feel calm, peaceful and relaxed with this person?
B. Can I fully be myself and express myself with this person?
C.Does this person make me feel good about myself?
D. Do you have a really close friend who does make you feel this way?
E. Make sure the person you marry makes you feel the same way!
Extracted From Paul Young Kamanga
Extracted From Paul Young Kamanga
